My Funny Valentine Freewrite.

In the moments that my own life moves so quickly that I cannot keep sufficient track of its progress, I sometimes get lost in the blur of fast forward. Unable to keep up, I stop. And having stopped to blog about the two biggest lessons for my 22star14 movement I’ve learned, I came up with these two parables:

1 // The Parable of Monogamy and Ambition // There was once a blind man who pursued his vision like a specter chasing him from his dreams. The desire drove him from his bed, each night abandoning his wife—sometimes even forgetting to make love to her. And as any faithful, understanding lover, she awaited his return with silent tears and deafening prayers that he should return with what he was looking for. On the night that she decided she could take no more of his insane insatiability, she demanded of him, “Stay! Each night you go out looking for your sight as if some magical light will guide you to it. Stay! Do I not please you enough? Our children not enough for you? Is my lovemaking not to your liking? Stay, I beg of you, husband.” He stood there, looking into the darkness at the face that he had fallen in love with, married, made love to, gave children, and made a life with. He did not say anything for a very long time. “Wife. I adore you. You are more than enough to satisfy me and my house. But each man has his destiny, an impossible dream that they enclose deep within their heart. Being blind, I see nothing but this dream in my heart. I go out in search of my vision each night so I will not have to look at the impossible aspiration each day. I am insatiable because I refuse to die knowing that I was neither able to accomplish my dream nor see anything but it for all of the days of my life. I must go now now, wife. I am late.” And he left. Only the next morning he did not return, determined to find what he had been looking for so he could return to his wife a happy man, satisfied and ready to live the rest of his days peacefully. The blind man’s wife never saw him again.

2 // The Parable of Personalized Destiny // There was once a land where each child’s fate was decided before they took their first breath. For a long time, the king decided each child’s fate just as its mother began labor; however, the people began to complain so the king made a decree that it would be chosen at random by the midwife at the time of the birth. It came to pass that a young woman was born very beautiful. Her decided fate was death in childbirth of the next prophet—an honor for any woman for most of them ended up prostitutes, midwives, or oracles for some priest or another. The very beautiful child never married, she never knew man, and she never had her first blood. She died before her first moon, and the prophet was never born. No one could understand why this was the case. All of the babies who’s randomly selected destiny it was to die, died. All of the babies who were to accomplish some great feat at a young age did so. And all of the babies who were to become greats died great. The beautiful child’s mother went to the king in furious inquiry for it had been her destiny to bear this beautiful child who would give birth to the next prophet. In calm reply, the King told her “No man can decide anyone’s fate. I began declaring fates because the people of my kingdom began to grow complacent with their decisions of their lives. They forgot that men choose their own fate, and having no fate decided for them, they dwindled away as farmers and laymen with no contentment in life. I thought that choosing their fates for them would make them realize they were destined for greatness, but it only made them grow complacent in a different kind of way. Your daughter was very lucky. She knew her personal destiny and fulfilled it. I hope you learn from her courage to be herself.”

Dear Miss Anonymous

Dear Future Boo,

First and foremost, thank you for being the love of my life, my partner in this journey, and the force that I am meant to join with in life. Our relationship is one of the things in life that I’ve awaited for with unending anticipation. However, there are a couple of things I need to put on the table before I allow you to be with me—in short, I need you to know what you’re getting yourself into.
There are two unchanging facts about me: I am a hustler, and I am a Libra. As lame as these two things may sound (especially when put together), the fact of the matter is that these two things are not going away, and you have to be the type of person who can deal with both of these in order to maintain a successful and constantly growing relationship with me.
My linage is called “Holder” and I come from a long line of strong-willed Holders who have always done what they had to do to get business done. The Holders have never had an excess of money, trust funds, or any misguided need to be a slave to fads because necessities always came first. Being poor and being able to be happy are no unfamiliar territories for us. I am a Holder born into a single-parent household of a first-generation college graduate mother who always took care of business even when she was expected to do otherwise. What does this have to do with me, you may ask?
Well, that simply means you will never find me spending money on my entertainment when bills are not yet paid, you will probably never find me in the most fashionable attire or vehicle because I have more pertinent things to spend my money on, and you will most definitely never find me waiting around for life to drop some good luck my way because I will always make my own luck. I will probably never stay in one place too long, because I find opportunities elsewhere, and I will probably never live in the same city twice because I know that my success comes with my willingness to conquer new territory. If I find you at a young age, we will more than likely be in a long distance relationship for a considerable amount of time because I go where God tells me and I expect you to have your own path as well, not just follow mine.
I was born on October 1, and ever since then I’ve been in tuned with my emotions and an idealistic romantic. I do not like to argue—I like to communicate and discuss things. I do not enjoy casual romance, I like for everything to be poeticized. With me, you may find most days, most conversations, and every anniversary like something straight out of a chick flick, romance novel, or fairy tale. Because I like to take care of my mate and be taken care of by my mate. An unbalanced relationship will not last, (after trying my best to work things out, being the dedicated hustler that I am) I will find someone else to be romantic with, who will appreciate my dedication, and who will reciprocate all the emotions I cannot control or poetry I can’t help but write.
God forbid this letter ward off any potential boos, I am not just this hardass workaholic who is sappy when it comes to relationships. Trust me, the pay off is great. When I commit to someone, I am willing to do everything in my power to make them happy and to elevate them as I want them to elevate me. I make mistakes but I learn from all of them and I have open communication about what I’m doing wrong to fix it. Most importantly, I am never satisfied and always looking for growth. My hunger to achieve and to make things better than the best is endless, and will ideally work to the benefit to my potential boo…though I have seen it have a detrimental affect.

I hope I didn’t scare you off, but then again, if I did, I guess it wasn’t meant to be anyway. The point is to educate you not to advertise, so I hope I’ve done my job.


Sincerely,

Jireh Holder

My heart speaks before my mind thinks through...

Aurora, unaware of the pains taken to rescue her from her destined fate, approached the spindle with eyes aglow. Her finger reached out, enchanted by the point. The prick didn’t even hurt, and as she floated to the ground, her eyes rested peacefully, knowing the next thing she would ever set her eyes on would be her savior.

I am asleep, in a lucid dream of illusions and fantasies that will never come true. My body’s sensations read a world of simultaneous gravity and levity, pushing and pulling me at work, at school, and in my heart—in actuality I’m just laying here. My hands are folded over my chest as my breathing is so light that when my Love approaches it is scared it has come too late. There is a meadow surrounding me and wind flowing makes the blades of grass whistle a song of earthly pleasures free of spiritual complications. And when it kisses me, I open my eyes slowly. Slowly and reluctantly, hoping that my Love will be nothing like that world of my dreams. I reach my index finger for my Love’s mouth, and it takes it onto its tongue while I close my eyes and bid farewell to my lucid dreams of philosophies, planning, and foolishness…

I’m dreaming right now, and this is what I imagine it will be like when I wake up. I’m not ready for that moment of clarity yet, but when I am, I know You will be there…

CherryCherryBoomBoom

Today marks the halfway check point of my summer—I’m back at Vanderbilt to continue my domination of this internship. Next stop will New York City. (And I get to see my long lost twin!) However, it’s time for me to be fully candid so I can properly document this point in my 22star14 growth...

This summer has brought a lot of changes and occasions that I had to rise to. The first of these was this crazy internship. I succeeded with flying colors, proving to myself that no challenge is too big for me. The most recent of these was forcing myself to step back from a relationship that was no longer producing the type of fruit a healthy relationship should. The longer you stay in a situation, the more comfortable it becomes and easier for you to become complacent with things you shouldn’t. What’s even harder than stepping back from two-year-soultie is stepping back when I know neither of us did anything wrong. Everyone says don’t tie yourself down while you’re young, but the beautiful thing about relationships is they force the couple to grow as individuals in ways that they wouldn’t have grown by themselves. (For example, because of this soultie, I’ve become a more focused, grounded, faithful and refutable individual.) It’s so easy to walk away when things are bad or at the peak of emotional distress, but to step back when the waters are calm and you can see clearly that things are not how they should be…that’s torture.

But it’s also the best time. No bad feelings. No drama. No mess. Just a decision.

I stepped back. And now I’m alone. Sitting here at the computer typing so I can recall later when I come to the full realization of my destiny in this 22star14 movement exactly how difficult this decision was…so I’ll be able to look back and say it was worth it.

It would be blasphemy and heresy for me to even attempt to poeticize or make symbolic the heavy weight that sacrifice of love has brought me today. So I’ll end with this:

“I remember when I used to say that I’m not worried about your future because I know I’m forever etched into your history. Well, my past, present and future are all irrevocably star bound because you showed me the sky when my heart needed it the most. I wish you enough. Love, G.”