I exist in a large, large space. And I have absolutely no ambitions of filling it up. My small me in a large space is significant while I observe big people puffing themselves up to fill up the large space only making it uncomfortable for all of the other big, big people. I exist in a room painted with sky so that the parameters are so ambiguous that I actually have no idea where, when, or what I am in relation to those in the room. I only exist to myself in myself, constantly building myself, taking a moment here and a glace there to see that wow, I exist in a large, large space.
That was written last semester.
This summer—this blog—was spent in attempts to increase my size, to puff myself up because maybe I actually deserved to be one of those big people. Unastonishingly, I’ve deflated. A friend of mine brought to mind the Woody Allen quote: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” Luckily for me, the Supreme only chuckled as he nudged me closer to the path I am supposed to be on. Thank you for joining on me on this ride, as misguided as it may have been. I learned a lot this summer and how appropriate that I entitled this journey my “transition” into 22star14. That’s what this year is turning out to be: one gigantic transition. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view), as I board the plane to elevate to a higher level, there’s a lot of baggage I’m having to leave behind. I foresee a very lame, empty semester. However, I am incredibly excited about how this story will end. This is the last of the artist formerly known as 22star14 lol, but hopefully not of this October Kind of Lover!
Ttfn.
8.31.2009
8.22.2009
Geronimo: An End of the Summer Ramble
The sun just set on the road to Atlanta. My venture back into the unknown fills me with anxiety and apprehension this time. I envision myself walking the plank with the pirates of Memphis at my back and the sharks of Morehouse in the sea. My journey into 22star14 is over, and there’s nothing to do but sink or swim. Geronimo!
It’s been quite a summer. Quite a hard summer.
But I made it! I accomplished most if not all of my summer goals, and now I am headed back to my second year at Morehouse College, ready to rock out. I often categorize my life into “Professional” and “Personal”. This summer, the Supreme has tried and tested both, turned them upside down, and set them for a fresh start:
But the fact of the matter is, I am leaving all of that in my rear view mirror. I walk to edge of this plank, and am trying hard not to look behind me at the rough summer I had or the mysterious dangers that lurk beneath. I am staring and smiling at the sun setting over the horizon. In the glow over the ocean I can see the lessons learned—like letting go is as easy as trusting your own heart, like life’s a climb but the view is great, like give your all even when it feels like you have nothing left to give, or (my favorite) just go—and the alliances I’ve gained along the way—like my new cousin, Jasmin, my coworkers, Nick and Kiara, Andrew, my future wife lol, new Vincent, and a couple of mentors here and there.
I take all this in and say a prayer of graditude before 3…2….1….GERONIMO!!!!
It’s been quite a summer. Quite a hard summer.
But I made it! I accomplished most if not all of my summer goals, and now I am headed back to my second year at Morehouse College, ready to rock out. I often categorize my life into “Professional” and “Personal”. This summer, the Supreme has tried and tested both, turned them upside down, and set them for a fresh start:
Professional: (1) My internship was hell but I rocked it and showed myself how strong I was. (2) My finances at the end of the summer brought stress to the household and not only were a lot of my plans—like bringing my car to school—put on hold but were eliminated altogether. Parking tickets, towing expense, speeding ticket, and overdrawn checking account. In short, I learned I’m not a kid anymore and my family isn’t rolling in dough. (3) I am riding in this car back to Atlanta with the knowledge that it’s time for me to man up and take responsibilty because my parents aren’t going to be able to carry all of the weight any more. I have to handle my business academically and financially, and come out at the end of this year looking like a self-sustained man rather than a college kid depedent on his barely-making-it household.
Personal: (1) I started off in a long term relationship that I was willing to fight for and make work this time. I faught and worked, but the odds seemed to be against me. However, to the very end, I did not comprimise my values or back track into any bad habits. (2) When the time came for me to end it, I did so with surity and without drama. I trucked through the get-over-it period with my head held high and learned the value of my friendships, taking the time to nurture them instead of over-induldge myself in the pain of a broken heart. (3) At the very end of the summer, I gained the epiphany that a past is not the same as history, and after the lesson has been learned, you must turn your face back to the horizon and keep on walking toward the sun. Though, I do have to add that the Supreme definitely put some tokens of blessings in these past two weeks. I gained a bestie and found a little bit of Gold at the end of the rainbow—both of which were a little difficult to part with.
But the fact of the matter is, I am leaving all of that in my rear view mirror. I walk to edge of this plank, and am trying hard not to look behind me at the rough summer I had or the mysterious dangers that lurk beneath. I am staring and smiling at the sun setting over the horizon. In the glow over the ocean I can see the lessons learned—like letting go is as easy as trusting your own heart, like life’s a climb but the view is great, like give your all even when it feels like you have nothing left to give, or (my favorite) just go—and the alliances I’ve gained along the way—like my new cousin, Jasmin, my coworkers, Nick and Kiara, Andrew, my future wife lol, new Vincent, and a couple of mentors here and there.
I take all this in and say a prayer of graditude before 3…2….1….GERONIMO!!!!
8.07.2009
Party at the rich kids' house...
Walking the neighborhood barefoot watching the moon and listening to Solange's ''Cosmic Journey.'' It's a little less than three weeks until my return to Morehouse. I suppose I should consider this my last phase of the 22star14 transition. This phase is pretty hard but the funny thing is this step is nowhere near as difficult as the first.
CAN YOU MAINTAIN COMPOSURE AND CONFIDENCE IN THE FACE OF INVOLUNTARY SOLITUDE?
This is the test of the next couple of weeks. I use the word solitude because over the years, the Supreme has taught me that I'm never alone; however, currently, the faces i trust enough to turn to in the midnight hours when something drives me from my bed to the moonlit streets of the world are and have faded into the very darkness i avoid. Solitude. One republic's song says all i need is the air i breathe and a place to rest my head. And even when I am down to the most meager of resources, i refuse to let go of my dreams, my goals, my values, or my self worth. Stay tuned for the final chapter of the transition. Even i don't know the grand finale... But i do know that I'm in store for nothing but absolute success.
CAN YOU MAINTAIN COMPOSURE AND CONFIDENCE IN THE FACE OF INVOLUNTARY SOLITUDE?
This is the test of the next couple of weeks. I use the word solitude because over the years, the Supreme has taught me that I'm never alone; however, currently, the faces i trust enough to turn to in the midnight hours when something drives me from my bed to the moonlit streets of the world are and have faded into the very darkness i avoid. Solitude. One republic's song says all i need is the air i breathe and a place to rest my head. And even when I am down to the most meager of resources, i refuse to let go of my dreams, my goals, my values, or my self worth. Stay tuned for the final chapter of the transition. Even i don't know the grand finale... But i do know that I'm in store for nothing but absolute success.
7.30.2009
My Funny Valentine Freewrite.
In the moments that my own life moves so quickly that I cannot keep sufficient track of its progress, I sometimes get lost in the blur of fast forward. Unable to keep up, I stop. And having stopped to blog about the two biggest lessons for my 22star14 movement I’ve learned, I came up with these two parables:
1 // The Parable of Monogamy and Ambition // There was once a blind man who pursued his vision like a specter chasing him from his dreams. The desire drove him from his bed, each night abandoning his wife—sometimes even forgetting to make love to her. And as any faithful, understanding lover, she awaited his return with silent tears and deafening prayers that he should return with what he was looking for. On the night that she decided she could take no more of his insane insatiability, she demanded of him, “Stay! Each night you go out looking for your sight as if some magical light will guide you to it. Stay! Do I not please you enough? Our children not enough for you? Is my lovemaking not to your liking? Stay, I beg of you, husband.” He stood there, looking into the darkness at the face that he had fallen in love with, married, made love to, gave children, and made a life with. He did not say anything for a very long time. “Wife. I adore you. You are more than enough to satisfy me and my house. But each man has his destiny, an impossible dream that they enclose deep within their heart. Being blind, I see nothing but this dream in my heart. I go out in search of my vision each night so I will not have to look at the impossible aspiration each day. I am insatiable because I refuse to die knowing that I was neither able to accomplish my dream nor see anything but it for all of the days of my life. I must go now now, wife. I am late.” And he left. Only the next morning he did not return, determined to find what he had been looking for so he could return to his wife a happy man, satisfied and ready to live the rest of his days peacefully. The blind man’s wife never saw him again.
2 // The Parable of Personalized Destiny // There was once a land where each child’s fate was decided before they took their first breath. For a long time, the king decided each child’s fate just as its mother began labor; however, the people began to complain so the king made a decree that it would be chosen at random by the midwife at the time of the birth. It came to pass that a young woman was born very beautiful. Her decided fate was death in childbirth of the next prophet—an honor for any woman for most of them ended up prostitutes, midwives, or oracles for some priest or another. The very beautiful child never married, she never knew man, and she never had her first blood. She died before her first moon, and the prophet was never born. No one could understand why this was the case. All of the babies who’s randomly selected destiny it was to die, died. All of the babies who were to accomplish some great feat at a young age did so. And all of the babies who were to become greats died great. The beautiful child’s mother went to the king in furious inquiry for it had been her destiny to bear this beautiful child who would give birth to the next prophet. In calm reply, the King told her “No man can decide anyone’s fate. I began declaring fates because the people of my kingdom began to grow complacent with their decisions of their lives. They forgot that men choose their own fate, and having no fate decided for them, they dwindled away as farmers and laymen with no contentment in life. I thought that choosing their fates for them would make them realize they were destined for greatness, but it only made them grow complacent in a different kind of way. Your daughter was very lucky. She knew her personal destiny and fulfilled it. I hope you learn from her courage to be herself.”
1 // The Parable of Monogamy and Ambition // There was once a blind man who pursued his vision like a specter chasing him from his dreams. The desire drove him from his bed, each night abandoning his wife—sometimes even forgetting to make love to her. And as any faithful, understanding lover, she awaited his return with silent tears and deafening prayers that he should return with what he was looking for. On the night that she decided she could take no more of his insane insatiability, she demanded of him, “Stay! Each night you go out looking for your sight as if some magical light will guide you to it. Stay! Do I not please you enough? Our children not enough for you? Is my lovemaking not to your liking? Stay, I beg of you, husband.” He stood there, looking into the darkness at the face that he had fallen in love with, married, made love to, gave children, and made a life with. He did not say anything for a very long time. “Wife. I adore you. You are more than enough to satisfy me and my house. But each man has his destiny, an impossible dream that they enclose deep within their heart. Being blind, I see nothing but this dream in my heart. I go out in search of my vision each night so I will not have to look at the impossible aspiration each day. I am insatiable because I refuse to die knowing that I was neither able to accomplish my dream nor see anything but it for all of the days of my life. I must go now now, wife. I am late.” And he left. Only the next morning he did not return, determined to find what he had been looking for so he could return to his wife a happy man, satisfied and ready to live the rest of his days peacefully. The blind man’s wife never saw him again.
2 // The Parable of Personalized Destiny // There was once a land where each child’s fate was decided before they took their first breath. For a long time, the king decided each child’s fate just as its mother began labor; however, the people began to complain so the king made a decree that it would be chosen at random by the midwife at the time of the birth. It came to pass that a young woman was born very beautiful. Her decided fate was death in childbirth of the next prophet—an honor for any woman for most of them ended up prostitutes, midwives, or oracles for some priest or another. The very beautiful child never married, she never knew man, and she never had her first blood. She died before her first moon, and the prophet was never born. No one could understand why this was the case. All of the babies who’s randomly selected destiny it was to die, died. All of the babies who were to accomplish some great feat at a young age did so. And all of the babies who were to become greats died great. The beautiful child’s mother went to the king in furious inquiry for it had been her destiny to bear this beautiful child who would give birth to the next prophet. In calm reply, the King told her “No man can decide anyone’s fate. I began declaring fates because the people of my kingdom began to grow complacent with their decisions of their lives. They forgot that men choose their own fate, and having no fate decided for them, they dwindled away as farmers and laymen with no contentment in life. I thought that choosing their fates for them would make them realize they were destined for greatness, but it only made them grow complacent in a different kind of way. Your daughter was very lucky. She knew her personal destiny and fulfilled it. I hope you learn from her courage to be herself.”
7.20.2009
Dear Miss Anonymous
Dear Future Boo,
First and foremost, thank you for being the love of my life, my partner in this journey, and the force that I am meant to join with in life. Our relationship is one of the things in life that I’ve awaited for with unending anticipation. However, there are a couple of things I need to put on the table before I allow you to be with me—in short, I need you to know what you’re getting yourself into.
There are two unchanging facts about me: I am a hustler, and I am a Libra. As lame as these two things may sound (especially when put together), the fact of the matter is that these two things are not going away, and you have to be the type of person who can deal with both of these in order to maintain a successful and constantly growing relationship with me.
My linage is called “Holder” and I come from a long line of strong-willed Holders who have always done what they had to do to get business done. The Holders have never had an excess of money, trust funds, or any misguided need to be a slave to fads because necessities always came first. Being poor and being able to be happy are no unfamiliar territories for us. I am a Holder born into a single-parent household of a first-generation college graduate mother who always took care of business even when she was expected to do otherwise. What does this have to do with me, you may ask?
Well, that simply means you will never find me spending money on my entertainment when bills are not yet paid, you will probably never find me in the most fashionable attire or vehicle because I have more pertinent things to spend my money on, and you will most definitely never find me waiting around for life to drop some good luck my way because I will always make my own luck. I will probably never stay in one place too long, because I find opportunities elsewhere, and I will probably never live in the same city twice because I know that my success comes with my willingness to conquer new territory. If I find you at a young age, we will more than likely be in a long distance relationship for a considerable amount of time because I go where God tells me and I expect you to have your own path as well, not just follow mine.
I was born on October 1, and ever since then I’ve been in tuned with my emotions and an idealistic romantic. I do not like to argue—I like to communicate and discuss things. I do not enjoy casual romance, I like for everything to be poeticized. With me, you may find most days, most conversations, and every anniversary like something straight out of a chick flick, romance novel, or fairy tale. Because I like to take care of my mate and be taken care of by my mate. An unbalanced relationship will not last, (after trying my best to work things out, being the dedicated hustler that I am) I will find someone else to be romantic with, who will appreciate my dedication, and who will reciprocate all the emotions I cannot control or poetry I can’t help but write.
God forbid this letter ward off any potential boos, I am not just this hardass workaholic who is sappy when it comes to relationships. Trust me, the pay off is great. When I commit to someone, I am willing to do everything in my power to make them happy and to elevate them as I want them to elevate me. I make mistakes but I learn from all of them and I have open communication about what I’m doing wrong to fix it. Most importantly, I am never satisfied and always looking for growth. My hunger to achieve and to make things better than the best is endless, and will ideally work to the benefit to my potential boo…though I have seen it have a detrimental affect.
I hope I didn’t scare you off, but then again, if I did, I guess it wasn’t meant to be anyway. The point is to educate you not to advertise, so I hope I’ve done my job.
Sincerely,
Jireh Holder
First and foremost, thank you for being the love of my life, my partner in this journey, and the force that I am meant to join with in life. Our relationship is one of the things in life that I’ve awaited for with unending anticipation. However, there are a couple of things I need to put on the table before I allow you to be with me—in short, I need you to know what you’re getting yourself into.
There are two unchanging facts about me: I am a hustler, and I am a Libra. As lame as these two things may sound (especially when put together), the fact of the matter is that these two things are not going away, and you have to be the type of person who can deal with both of these in order to maintain a successful and constantly growing relationship with me.
My linage is called “Holder” and I come from a long line of strong-willed Holders who have always done what they had to do to get business done. The Holders have never had an excess of money, trust funds, or any misguided need to be a slave to fads because necessities always came first. Being poor and being able to be happy are no unfamiliar territories for us. I am a Holder born into a single-parent household of a first-generation college graduate mother who always took care of business even when she was expected to do otherwise. What does this have to do with me, you may ask?
Well, that simply means you will never find me spending money on my entertainment when bills are not yet paid, you will probably never find me in the most fashionable attire or vehicle because I have more pertinent things to spend my money on, and you will most definitely never find me waiting around for life to drop some good luck my way because I will always make my own luck. I will probably never stay in one place too long, because I find opportunities elsewhere, and I will probably never live in the same city twice because I know that my success comes with my willingness to conquer new territory. If I find you at a young age, we will more than likely be in a long distance relationship for a considerable amount of time because I go where God tells me and I expect you to have your own path as well, not just follow mine.
I was born on October 1, and ever since then I’ve been in tuned with my emotions and an idealistic romantic. I do not like to argue—I like to communicate and discuss things. I do not enjoy casual romance, I like for everything to be poeticized. With me, you may find most days, most conversations, and every anniversary like something straight out of a chick flick, romance novel, or fairy tale. Because I like to take care of my mate and be taken care of by my mate. An unbalanced relationship will not last, (after trying my best to work things out, being the dedicated hustler that I am) I will find someone else to be romantic with, who will appreciate my dedication, and who will reciprocate all the emotions I cannot control or poetry I can’t help but write.
God forbid this letter ward off any potential boos, I am not just this hardass workaholic who is sappy when it comes to relationships. Trust me, the pay off is great. When I commit to someone, I am willing to do everything in my power to make them happy and to elevate them as I want them to elevate me. I make mistakes but I learn from all of them and I have open communication about what I’m doing wrong to fix it. Most importantly, I am never satisfied and always looking for growth. My hunger to achieve and to make things better than the best is endless, and will ideally work to the benefit to my potential boo…though I have seen it have a detrimental affect.
I hope I didn’t scare you off, but then again, if I did, I guess it wasn’t meant to be anyway. The point is to educate you not to advertise, so I hope I’ve done my job.
Sincerely,
Jireh Holder
7.13.2009
My heart speaks before my mind thinks through...
Aurora, unaware of the pains taken to rescue her from her destined fate, approached the spindle with eyes aglow. Her finger reached out, enchanted by the point. The prick didn’t even hurt, and as she floated to the ground, her eyes rested peacefully, knowing the next thing she would ever set her eyes on would be her savior.
I am asleep, in a lucid dream of illusions and fantasies that will never come true. My body’s sensations read a world of simultaneous gravity and levity, pushing and pulling me at work, at school, and in my heart—in actuality I’m just laying here. My hands are folded over my chest as my breathing is so light that when my Love approaches it is scared it has come too late. There is a meadow surrounding me and wind flowing makes the blades of grass whistle a song of earthly pleasures free of spiritual complications. And when it kisses me, I open my eyes slowly. Slowly and reluctantly, hoping that my Love will be nothing like that world of my dreams. I reach my index finger for my Love’s mouth, and it takes it onto its tongue while I close my eyes and bid farewell to my lucid dreams of philosophies, planning, and foolishness…
I’m dreaming right now, and this is what I imagine it will be like when I wake up. I’m not ready for that moment of clarity yet, but when I am, I know You will be there…
I am asleep, in a lucid dream of illusions and fantasies that will never come true. My body’s sensations read a world of simultaneous gravity and levity, pushing and pulling me at work, at school, and in my heart—in actuality I’m just laying here. My hands are folded over my chest as my breathing is so light that when my Love approaches it is scared it has come too late. There is a meadow surrounding me and wind flowing makes the blades of grass whistle a song of earthly pleasures free of spiritual complications. And when it kisses me, I open my eyes slowly. Slowly and reluctantly, hoping that my Love will be nothing like that world of my dreams. I reach my index finger for my Love’s mouth, and it takes it onto its tongue while I close my eyes and bid farewell to my lucid dreams of philosophies, planning, and foolishness…
I’m dreaming right now, and this is what I imagine it will be like when I wake up. I’m not ready for that moment of clarity yet, but when I am, I know You will be there…
7.05.2009
CherryCherryBoomBoom
Today marks the halfway check point of my summer—I’m back at Vanderbilt to continue my domination of this internship. Next stop will New York City. (And I get to see my long lost twin!) However, it’s time for me to be fully candid so I can properly document this point in my 22star14 growth...
This summer has brought a lot of changes and occasions that I had to rise to. The first of these was this crazy internship. I succeeded with flying colors, proving to myself that no challenge is too big for me. The most recent of these was forcing myself to step back from a relationship that was no longer producing the type of fruit a healthy relationship should. The longer you stay in a situation, the more comfortable it becomes and easier for you to become complacent with things you shouldn’t. What’s even harder than stepping back from two-year-soultie is stepping back when I know neither of us did anything wrong. Everyone says don’t tie yourself down while you’re young, but the beautiful thing about relationships is they force the couple to grow as individuals in ways that they wouldn’t have grown by themselves. (For example, because of this soultie, I’ve become a more focused, grounded, faithful and refutable individual.) It’s so easy to walk away when things are bad or at the peak of emotional distress, but to step back when the waters are calm and you can see clearly that things are not how they should be…that’s torture.
But it’s also the best time. No bad feelings. No drama. No mess. Just a decision.
I stepped back. And now I’m alone. Sitting here at the computer typing so I can recall later when I come to the full realization of my destiny in this 22star14 movement exactly how difficult this decision was…so I’ll be able to look back and say it was worth it.
It would be blasphemy and heresy for me to even attempt to poeticize or make symbolic the heavy weight that sacrifice of love has brought me today. So I’ll end with this:
“I remember when I used to say that I’m not worried about your future because I know I’m forever etched into your history. Well, my past, present and future are all irrevocably star bound because you showed me the sky when my heart needed it the most. I wish you enough. Love, G.”
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